This is probably one of the strangest posts I’ll ever write.
Deep in thinking mode, but rather a tangential one: my gut instinct. It’s something we all have. We either listen to it or we don’t, then kick ourselves with the weight of hindsight behind it when we don’t.
I have a gut instinct that’s never led me astray. The problem right now is that it feels scrambled. It’s probably not, but it’s smothered by so much doubt and confusion that it’s like trying to figure out where in the couch your cell phone is hiding. It’s there, trying to guide you to it with its insistent ringing, but panic is tricking your ears into thinking it could be under any cushion, maybe under the couch, or somewhere behind it. Heck, maybe the dog is lying on it on the floor, since he’s been kicked off the couch for the moment.
Anyway. I’m hesitant to admit the following because I’m afraid of ridicule, being misunderstood, and that people might think I’m trying to portray myself as extra special, or something stupid like that. But when I tried to compose my entry Friday morning, it didn’t go over well. I knew I was forcing it, so I saved the whole three sentences and went on with my day. The draft will have to wait ’til next week.
What I’m hesitant to admit is that I’ve got very good gut instinct. It’s like my version of that “higher power” billions of people keep rambling on about. My mind just can’t wrap around some sort of supreme cosmic power nudging all of us insignificant mortals around. It just doesn’t make sense. What makes sense to me is humans helping humans, be they alive or dead, but I don’t want to get into the supernatural. There’s too much bias, preconceived notions, and scammers to keep things straight. I just wish to focus on gut instinct, something we all, without a doubt, have. We all listen to it to one degree or another. I don’t know how exactly gut instinct works. It just does. It’s not a magical power; it’s a tool for our survival and betterment.
Examples of my gut/intuition:
-It was correct of me to get into Theatre in undergrad, even though writing is my calling. It led me to important people in my life. I also sensed when my time in the degree program was up. To this day I still wonder if I should’ve switched majors that year or not. I think it was one of those life junctions that had so many pros and cons that it didn’t really matter which choice I made. I’d get to where I wanted to (and did) go.
-I knew asking my dad to help me fix my brakes would get me a job working for him.
-I knew for certain I wouldn’t be marrying my now ex-boyfriend the Christmas he and I sat for professional pictures together. At the time I’d been trying to convince myself that I didn’t have it in me to go through all that dating and whatnot all over again with another guy.
-I knew spending months and months job hunting with the rest of America was a waste of time for me, even with insistence from every direction to do it. Turns out, I was right, but for reasons I hadn’t foreseen.
-I also knew when it was time to start job hunting again. Now I’m in the process of job hunting correctly. I believe I will find a job by the end of January (now you get to wait and see if I turn out to be right).
-I knew my lab results would come back negative for cancer, even before I went in for the blood work and biopsy. Something out there wants me alive.
-Once I found out about the trip, I knew I’d be the one to co-pilot my best childhood friend to San Antonio.
-Somehow, shortly before the season ended, I knew my freshman year of high school soccer would be my best year there. Unfortunately, I was correct.
-I applied to one grad school in Canada a few years ago. I knew before I sent out a $150 international application fee that they’d reject me (example of me not listening). I applied to one other grad school and ignored the advice from one of my undergrad teachers to apply to at least half dozen schools because I knew I’d get accepted to WCSU.
-I knew going back to college for a third time was a mistake. I also knew, before I even forked over the $75 application fee, that I’d never start taking classes there, even when one kind person after another insisted I was a great match for Branford Hall, that I’d do great and whatnot. What scrambled my brain was how sound the choice to get into the medical field was, yet it didn’t feel like the right… place for me. As I rush through the whole application process, up rears this problem: my current college loan debt balance has been mysteriously put into default, even though they were put in forbearance, which is supposed to protect you from default. Trying to return to college was the right thing. It brought attention to what’s now turned into a lovely series of hoops I have to jump through to restore my credit, but at least this problem will be promptly taken care of, instead of pouncing as a nasty shock later on.
Why Mistakes are Important:
This could get all philosophical, but I’m gonna try to keep this simple. I believe our gut instinct purposely leads us to mistake sometimes. People might argue that a mistake isn’t a mistake if it was supposed to happen. I beg to differ. Doing the right thing doesn’t make you stop and think nearly as much as the moment you’ve realized you’ve made a mistake. Mistakes exist to make you stop and think. People stop and dissect success only after they’ve made one or more mistakes.
Right now my gut seems to be bumping me towards people that help re-instill trust and faith in myself. I keep focusing on just having a big enough damn paycheck so I can finally friggin’ move out on my own and be financially independent. I don’t care about being rich. I hate money and all the greed and corruption surrounding it. I just want to be financially sound and independent, and enjoy what I do that brings in the income. But in order to accomplish that, I seem to need to come across the right people that’ll help get me there.
I struggle because I’m tired of failing, tired of feeling lost and not knowing where my niche is, tired of not knowing how to recommence moving forward. When my gut told me that school wasn’t where I was supposed to go, I panicked. It was such a sound choice. But at the same time I went to an employment agency to get help with job hunting because I wouldn’t have been able to keep my current job once school started. Once again, trying to go back to school helped out. It steered me towards people that showed me I was doing the whole job hunting thing wrong. Now I have the knowhow to land myself I job I’d look forward to waking up doing every day while I continue with my writing during my free time. I’ll never give up on my writing. And besides my writing, I finally have hope for myself. I finally feel like my life will get better soon. I am scared to the point where I’m not sleeping well, but it’s only temporary. Things will turn out fine if I keep trying.
Right now I’m trying to terminate the contract binding me to a lackluster ePublisher. He was the right person for a while because he gave me hope to keep trying with my writing. But when said ePublisher doesn’t believe any of the books he’s presenting to the world will sell–even mine–it’s time to jump ship legally. Even with his negative attitude, he isn’t eager to let me go. This perplexes me to no end.
Book three is coming along slowly but surely, and on top of that I’ve gotten back into WoW. Tough, scary times call for the company of good friends.