My New Mantra Feels the Pressure

Okay, this past week I felt myself trying to slip back into my old ways of negative thinking and driving in mindless circles of hopelessness. These moments were recognized, acknowledged, and stopped in its tracks. These moments are expected. I’m just disconcerted I had so many inside a week. Yes, I’m acknowledging right now that I’m letting all that disappoint me but that’s okay. There are so many parts of my brain that need rewiring. Being this hard on myself is one of them.

The thing is I can only work on so many things at a time. I’ve adjusted my attitude about my writing, my bill-paying job, the job hunting process, myself, my life, my accomplishments, and I’m sure a few other things I haven’t consciously noticed I’ve changed for the better. Now I have to incorporate a calmer reaction to hearing nothing from all those jobs I’ve applied to. I just keep reminding myself that their responses are out of my control, I’m doing everything I can do, and that’s all I can do. Keep job hunting. Sure, I want to whine and pout, saying, “I don’t wanna” and moan and gripe about how stupid this whole job hunting business is, but that impulsive want to complain and feel like a miserable reject won’t make me happier, much less present myself as a person desirous to hire. So, the latest thing on the forefront of what needs rewiring (I just had two but the first thing I was going to type down just mysteriously flew out of my brain. Oh well, haha): learning to let go of what I can’t control.

That reminds me of what’s called the Serenity Prayer:

God grant me the serenity
To accept the things I cannot change;
Courage to change the things I can;
And wisdom to know the difference.

I don’t hate the Bible. It’s bursting with nuggets of wisdom. It’s the preachers/pastors who corrupt it. I don’t hate them; I pity them and hope they’ll open their minds one day. But anyway, I don’t want to get into religion today. Enjoy this nugget of wisdom. May it help you sort out your life, let go of what’s dragging you down, and make room for where your attention needs to be.

And as I’ve been writing this blog post, I just remembered something that helped bring me back to center: “this too shall pass.” My mood was low, frustrated, anxious when I sat down–more like slipped out of bed and into my computer chair–to start this post. I was having a case of oh, no, I’m unhappy! I can’t write a good entry while unhappy! No one will want to read it! So I took a break after the nugget of wisdom bit  and took a shower, and that’s when I realized that my bad mood will pass. Good moods come and go, and so do bad ones. Funny thing is, as soon as I acknowledged this, I felt better and relaxed. I mean immediately. The immediacy surprised me. I’m thankful for this small yet significant victory.

So, on to a bit of comedy that is my life.

I have renamed eHarmony to eHarmaNO. I don’t think comedy writers could’ve come up with a more disastrously comical first impression of this dating site.

I know I mentioned match.com a couple of posts ago. I switched to eHarmaNO within three days. The first site was too cluttered and confusing, and I think it secretly linked my Facebook page to my profile, so I got a text message from some random person at 5:16 in the morning, saying, “Hiya I like your F.B. profile! please add myaahoo so we can chat a bit, its [redacted] ;-).” I have included his exemplary texting skills for your reading pleasure. This “gentleman” never identified himself when I asked profanity-free via text. Pity.

It gets even better with my first impression of eHarmaNO. After all the profile building and initial batch of matches zinged my way, you go through three rounds of back-and-forth Q&A before directly emailing through the site to launch a potential relationship. He gave me a good first impression, so I move the conversation to messaging via Skype. I chatted with him for about an hour, but fifteen minutes into the conversation he unloads all his anxieties about sex and his inability to maintain arousal, and how he’d like me to have a “sugar daddy” while dating him to fulfill all my sensual needs.

I was floored by this forthrightness. At the same time I felt bad. This guy needs help. I tried suggesting he go see a counselor but he had already settled in seeing that this was how his life was. I didn’t want to be mean and throw him in the reject pile so fast, but I felt like I’d be constantly living around his neediness if I stuck around. I gently told him to not unload the aforementioned anxieties on the next girl so fast. He insisted he was just trying to be honest. I informed him that it was a bit much up front. And when he asked about the “next girl” part, I told him that I didn’t think I was the girl he’s looking for. He disagreed with a smile emoticon. Oh, dear god, help me please! After asking two friends and my mom what to do (I didn’t want to crush his heart), I winced as I blocked his Skype ID and his eHarmaNO profile. Bittersweet relief. Good bye, Mr. Kinky.

eHarmaNO has been pretty quiet since then. The biggest problem is that the site keeps trying pair me with short men. My challenge is that I’m 5’10” but I’ll still take someone who’s at least close to eye-to-eye with me. The record shortest man they zinged me is 5’4″. *sigh* I tried overlooking the whole height difference in the last relationship, where I was five inches taller than him. I had that down pat literally, but not figuratively. I just want to feel safe in a nice pair of arms, not feel like a great dane trying to sit on a five-year-old’s lap. I emailed the site staff asking for a heigh requirement option. This is the response I got:

“I can certainly understand your concern regarding the height of your matches and I would like to provide you with some clarification. While we understand that height is an important thing for a lot of people when considering a partner, it is not something that has been found to play a significant part in compatibility over the long term. Height is a physical attribute that falls under chemistry which is something that cannot be pre-determined for you. Therefore, it’s not a factor used in our matching process. Our mission is to find individuals who are compatible with you on deeper dimensions. We encourage you to keep an open mind about your matches and take some time to communicate with them. You never know who might be the one.”

I hear you eHarmaNO. You make valid points. But at the same time you didn’t listen to me. This is one of those times I just have to say “oh, well” and continue doing the work myself.

The last thing I’m struggling with in this whole dating gig is the intelligence of those presented to me. Mr. All-caps got the boot before I read a single word on his profile. The people who don’t proofread their information and lack basic grammar skills don’t make the cut. One thing I do know is that I need someone who matches me intellectually, or else he will bore me in a hurry. I’m not some genius with MENSA knocking on my door, but I’m more articulate and learned, and I sorely need someone who can match my intensity.

On a more writerly note, I’ve compiled a full chapter list of book three, so now I have a full story arc I can look at. The chapter count is sitting at 29 at the moment, but I’m pretty sure it’ll finalize around 25 by the time I’m done. It’s a thrilling feeling to draw closer and closer to completing this trilogy that’s been growing and evolving in my head for a decade now.

And February 1st still looks good for the relaunch of book one, titled Shield of the Gods by yours truly, S.M. Welles, a.k.a. Ang, Angie, or Angela. Exciting stuff!

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About Angela Macala-Guajardo

Author, teacher, soon-to-be full time writer for two companies. Also a lover life in the Arizona desert, puppy butt wiggles, and kitties purring away on my shoulder.
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