Think Smaller–in a Sense…

Book 3 is coming along slowly and surely. It sure is a gripping tale. Chapter 8 is proving to be emotionally challenging to make myself write. I don’t know if it can stay YA but what do I know? If the “Twilight” saga can have sex whatnot, and the Harry Potter books so much violence, then why not mind and my–I’m going to say “tough” character journeys? I fear alluding to the content if I use a more specific word.

February looks to be an interesting month. My book will finally be relaunched. I’m hopeful, yet my excitement has been waning as of late. However, I’ll certainly rally once the final cover art is revealed and release date announced. Right now it’s just a limbo with no control.

I’m trying to unlearn being a control freak of sorts. Still, there are some things I think I’ll keep, and take the good with the bad because they are far too advantageous and deeply intertwined with my ambitions. It’s like being stubborn. Sometimes it translates to determination. Other times to obstinance. I can’t be one without the other from time to time. It’s a balance of sorts. Hopefully others can understand this. Bearing all that in mind, I feel like I’m learning to level out the negative. Maybe it’s the thyroid meds, maybe it’s my personal journey to be a better person. Maybe a bit of both.

I am a better person now. Happier, too. I have developed techniques I’m doing my best to solidify into habits as I constantly remind myself that this is a process; not some magic wand waving of insta-fix. I’m trying to think smaller in a sense. I’ll never lose sight of my grand writerly dreams. I mean more narrowing my sight to take things day to day, instead of suffocating myself with thoughts of how am I ever going to find a job, move out, become financially sound, get my writing off the ground, etc.? Instead, I humbly go to work every week, keep my bills under control, keep job hunting, keep writing, keep accepting what’s not in my control, and keep maintaining what is, instead of crying over how my life isn’t where I want it to be. This isn’t easy because I want what I want, and I don’t want to feel satisfied until I earn it.

Sadly–or simply quite honestly–this approach won’t bring me happiness. I need to learn to be happy with what I do have.

This thinking still frustrates me, and it annoys me when people point out others who have it worse than me. It’s like a pitiful game of seeing who’s suffering the most. I see what I do have and can’t help but admit I’m quite fortunate, so why do I still feel unsatisfied? Yes, this leads to the question of what exactly is good enough if I’m not happy now? How will this thinking not lead to becoming like a corporation fervently pushing for greater and greater profit margins year after year? I will come to know only greed and gluttony, so I must learn to accept what I have as satisfying/good enough.

I’ve thought on this long and hard. There seems to be a grey area smudging out the distinction between healthy goals and an unslakable hunger for more. Maybe this is where the whole slowing down and enjoying life thing comes in. I have myself thoroughly convinced I can’t enjoy life the way I want to until I have a more stable income that grants financial independence. In other words, I have excuses. I can’t deny my strict need for frugality but at the same time there are so many simple things to enjoy that make my excuse irrelevant. So… filing this personal challenge away to be tackled at a later date. Right now, I’m pouring all I’ve got into rewiring my thinking around daily stressors, along with sustaining job hunting efforts.

Okay, I’ve been having exceptionally weird dreams lately. Weird is normal for me. So is vivid, and so is having multiple dreams a night. I go in and out of remembering them well. As of late I get so frustrated because I just want to understand what they mean.

Want something freaky? Hopefully you recall how I blogged about how I dreamed I was chatting with Vin Diesel’s sister, yet didn’t know if she existed. Whelp, last he week posted a picture of him giving his sister a one-armed “big brother hug” at some formal function, and then this week a picture of him, her, and her newborn. Holy f@#$ing s*&$s and giggles! I dreamed up a real person! This is f@#$ing weird! Weird enough to make my hands shake and Twilight Zone music go off in my head when I saw the first picture. I don’t if any of you can possibly understand how weirded-out I feel.

eHarmaNO strikes again! Here are the featured rejects of the week:

-Dotman: Filled in all the blanks with nothing but dots. Sir, I don’t read morse code that looks it was tapped out with your face passed out on the code tapper outer thing–whatever it’s called.

-Smoky: Guy says he never smokes, yet his feature profile picture is one of him with a beer and cigarette in one hand. Good job. I award you even more genius points if that was actually a joint.

Dr. Thoughtless: he’s in school for his Doctorate’s. Apparently it fried his brain. He fills in the first box with “I do not know what to write.” Thank you for your efforts.

Papa Priorities: His answer to “What are the most import traits you’re looking for in a woman?” Looks and money. Thank you for your honesty.

Mr. Kidding: Profile says he has no kids, nor does he want any. Right below it in the “more about me” section says that his daughter is his world. Um… okay.

On top of those are the ones that have cropped their pictures to block out, I’m guessing, their exes. Really, sirs? Really? Oh, and anyone holding beer in the feature photo gets booted to the reject pile, too. It’s a turnoff of a first impression.

Okay, to end a positive note, I’d like to share this lovely piece of Michael Jackson music that’s a an excellent parallel to my life at the moment:

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About Angela Macala-Guajardo

Author, teacher, soon-to-be full time writer for two companies. Also a lover life in the Arizona desert, puppy butt wiggles, and kitties purring away on my shoulder.
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One Response to Think Smaller–in a Sense…

  1. You have a great weblog over here. I just wanna say thanks for all the interesting stuff on it. I’ll follow your blog if you keep up the good work!

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