So this is my life right now: full-time writer/author, weekly unemployment checks, a game plan, lots of hopes and fears, and one big dream. I go to counseling once or twice a month so I can have an objective, unbiased view of my life from the outside. Yes, I have a loving and supportive family bursting with advice and ideas but sometimes I just want my family to be family and nothing more complicated. Just be good company, share good food and good laughs, and even a memorable game of boys vs. girls Pictionary, or even a fishing trip. You know: build good memories.
I’m in a wonderful yet delicate situation and my family is reacting with an understandable amount of fear. I’m getting advice from many angles, which is appreciated, but I’m also getting perplexed reactions. Friend, family, or stranger, they don’t know how to react to this dice roll in my life. Their reactions are unsurprising. I don’t expect anyone to understand.
I don’t know what it was about Friday, but I managed to eke out a whopping page in my post-apocalypse fantasy book. Instead I spent a lot of the day feeling like I need to cry. Thing is, the tears were stuck in my chest. I tried to remedy my jammed emotions with workaholic mode. Instead, I spent hours trying to get that one page out. I mostly stared at the blank spaces between blue lines and thought in circles about the story. I just couldn’t get into my characters’ heads. Their reaction to my frustration? Just wait. They didn’t panic; they did tell me to stop forcing it. So I listened.
I took my buzzing iMac to Apple’s Genius Bar, found out it’s just a fan and I’ll have my computer back in a few days (composing this blog from my 2006 computer), took my mom’s yellow lab to the dog park and watched him prance around with that big lab smile, along with snapped at him a few times to stop humping other dogs in the name of establishing a pecking order, and then I got engrossed in watching Despicable Me until my mom phoned me to come pick her up.
Oh, I also played an awesome round of League of Legends in the morning as Mordekaiser (lovingly nicknamed “Whoredekaiser”), teaming up with an Aussie friend of mine who played Blitzcrank (nicknamed “Fondlebot”). It was touch-and-go from the beginning, so I went for survivability, instead of damage output, and that gave my team the tankiness it needed to win 5v5 fights. I laughed, I screamed, I shook my fist at the other team, and in one epic clash, I was the sole survivor of all ten of us. *Flex*
Anyway, the morning’s distractions gave way to a melancholy I couldn’t figure out how to shake. I did lots and lots of thinking–evaluating my life, looking back at where I’ve come from, browsing other people’s success stories and noting how abridged their coverage is, looking where I’m possibly headed, asking myself if I’m doing the right thing, etc. I got to the point where I emailed my ePublisher, who went through the same joblessness and all-or-nothing approach to his own writing, which paid off just last year. This is what he said: