Morale is undeniably low as of late but I’m still putting in everything I’ve got every day. Too bad I don’t have wrists of steel, hehe. Once I finish To Ocean’s End I’m gonna take a month off from writing and let them heal. Right now I can crack my wrists, which is something I’ve never been able to do before. Obviously means I’m still pushing them too hard but I refuse to slow down any more than I already have.
Had a bit of a pep talk with one of my friends this week. Book sales seem to have dried up and now I’m left wondering if those five days of free book promotion on amazon actually added up to anything. I really don’t know what to make of it. Sure, I get exposure, and sure I recently received and absolutely fantastic five-star review from yet another person I don’t know (thank you, kind person!) but… like my college degrees, I haven’t much to show for my efforts. Don’t get me wrong. I don’t regret my time spent in college. I highly recommend the MFA program at WestConn for writing. You meet all sorts of amazing people in and out of the literary biz, and learn how to be a significantly better writer and storyteller, but anyway. I don’t regret any leg of my life’s journey thus far. I just wish I could look people in the eye and say I’m proud of myself.
I can honestly say I’m proud of the effort I’ve put in, along with my determination. I’ve encountered a suffocating number of nay-sayers, doubters, and people who simply don’t care. I even met an editor from Tor–yes Tor–and got steamrolled by him in person. Yep, in person. After reading a whopping ten pages of my writing, he told me that I have no natural writing talent and that I should stick to it as a hobby. Yes, he told me that. Yes, I still remember his name. No, I will not defame him anywhere, nor will I rub it in his face when Shield of the Gods finally takes off. I will simply let him come across a glistening copy on his own time let it be proof that he isn’t always right. An opinion is just an opinion. In the end, your own opinion is the only one that matters, since said opinion will dictate where you focus your efforts. In my opinion, my writing passion is worth pursuing.
I keep coming to the conclusion that I’m a failure because I haven’t produced any remarkable results. Maybe that’s true in a sense, but only a temporary truth. I just have to keep trying and keep writing. I’m going through with the idea of moving to Arizona. Gonna pack all my stuff, store all the inessentials somewhere intelligent, then take my cats and essentials to what will the farthest west I’ve ever traveled, beating Texas by a healthy margin, and see if the shakeup gets me moving forward. It’s already been made clear on both ends that if Arizona isn’t for me, I’m always welcome back home. Everything will turn out alright no matter what. Once I return to my endocrinologist on May 17th and get the lowdown on how my thyroid meds are doing, I’ll pick a move-in date. Right now I’m in a rut. I need new scenery and new company, instead of waking up every day to a visual of a daily reminder that I haven’t gotten very far in life yet. This year’s my ten-year high school reunion. Can’t say I’d have gone if I stayed in New England. I was too shy and socially awkward back then. I’d really rather not visit that part of memory lane ever again.
As you can see, this entry is full of amusing snippets from a website I googled. I’m doing my best to keep my own life’s journey as a writer in perspective. As of late I’ve been yearning for a sign or something that things’ll turn out okay. No matter how hard i try at this whole writing thing, there’s no guarantee of success. That makes it immensely difficult for me to stay positive and hopeful. My ePublisher admitted it was ridiculously difficult for him to stay positive before he hit success. For some reason I had this preconceived notion that the truly successful people had this unshakeable positive attitude towards themselves and their lives, an unflinching faith in oneself. Maybe some do, but the reality for most is that it’s a daily trial to build oneself up and keep going, keep trying. You only fail if you stop trying. I can’t argue those words.
I’ll never give up. I don’t know how to give up on my writing. My stories and characters have this… life to them that call me to write. Not sure how to explain it well. I just wholeheartedly believe writing is my calling. I’m here to create fantastical worlds that give people an enjoyable break from reality. Life is hard. There’s nothing like heroes to inspire you muster courage and keep going no matter the odds.