It’s become a monumental task to stay positive as of late. Just when I’d built a good habit of not fretting over my amazon.com ranking from hour-to-hour, and instead focusing on just getting another book written, I get an email from my ePublisher, asking if I wanted to lower the price of my book since it’s not doing too hot. Now, what made this such a sucker punch was that I’d finally given up control of things out of my hands, and let the higher powers do their thing. Finally let go. And what changes? Nothing. Absolutely nothing.
A whirlwind of emotions tore through my psyche after that, and it took me a few days to reassert my grip on reality and put everything in perspective. However, I think I’m gonna steer clear of the higher power crap from here on out. I’d rather focus on what I can do, what I can control, instead of wasting breath asking help from invisible forces. Still, I’d gladly accept help from such forces, but I don’t think they do anything beyond putting people in my path I need to spend time with. The rest is up to me.
So what can I do to salvage my life? I’m flying over to Arizona with my two cats, one suitcase, and one stuffed backpack on June 9th to start life over. I’ll be putting a full-time effort into becoming a full-time author, something I’ve dreamed of doing for years. It’s exciting and scary. Scary since I’m moving across the country and I don’t even know if this hard work will pay off. There’s no going-away party; just a lot of hope for things to get better with this life shakeup. I’m certain Raz (real name Simon) is the next person I need in my life. I have a lot to learn from him. We’ve discussed what we both believe I need to learn from him (and he from me), and hopefully these things will open me up to move forward as a writer and author. I’m hoping these emotional battles that have not yet been won are why my one-month faith experiment was a horrible flop.
One thing that needs to be done is remove the word “failure” from my vocabulary. The blunt truth about my book flop is that it’s the first thing I ever got published, and I’ve been at it full-tilt for only four months. It took my ePublisher four books and a ton of effort to start living the writer’s dream. Genius me thought things would go smoother with his help and hard-earned wisdom, but that’s not how life works. So, I have two more books lined up to get published this year. Maybe a third by Christmas, since I already have a good chunk drafted. Then next year will be a fresh year for new books eagerly waiting their turn to be put on paper.
I have to remind myself every day to keep trying. In all honesty. I don’t want to give up. Some days I wish the world would give me an excuse to give up, but I know in my heart of hearts that giving up is wrong. What makes it hard is the uncertainty. I’ve gone through life with one thing after another not panning out. What’s my life’s journey adding up to? Where is it taking me? Am I even on the right track? The thing is, I don’t know how I could be on the wrong track. There isn’t anything else I’d pour my entire heart and soul into. So yeah: feeling very lost, confused, frustrated, scared, yet determined to make something of my life. I don’t want to float through life as a nobody. I want to be somebody, accomplish some good, and even help others once I’ve helped myself. I know I’m so far from alone in how I feel right now.
I’m still young. I turn 28 on June 20th. That’s it. I have my whole life ahead of me. Yesterday I visited the high school I used to coach Track & Field at, since the Enfield-Fermi rival meet was taking place. I talked to as many as my former athletes as I could, saying both hello and goodbye. A handful of them have distinct paths/majors they’re pursuing, which made me proud. The rest were in a grey area where they were either switching majors or thinking of doing such a thing. I encouraged them to go ahead with the change and to not be afraid of staying in school a little longer. Explore their options. Don’t settle for anything less than what you’d love to do. I also let them know it was okay to have no clue what they wanted to do for the rest of their lives. I thought I had it figured out halfway through grad school, yet turned out to be quite wrong. And just like I’ve reminded myself, I pointed out that they’re young and have plenty of time to figure things out.
Moving to Arizona from New England is definitely going to be a culture shock. Flat terrain, beautiful mountains in the background, scorpions, spiders, rattle snakes, mini palm trees, cacti, no basements, sand storms, water usage control, and no Red Sox, unless we take a drive to L.A., which we intend to do one day. We’re heading to Kansas for July 4th to meet up with more friends, two we know from WoW, and have one big barbecue and set off hundreds of dollars of fireworks. I will be standing at a healthy distance from the explosions. There will be fishing trips, and me probably dashing around the neighborhood with a camcorder if I see a dust devil like the one he inadvertently captured in the photo below. He was only trying to show me the view of the mountains from our back yard.