It’s been a busy month. On top of that, I was the sickest I’ve been in years, so I apologize for the huge delay between posts.
Teaching is getting better. I’ve finally started properly enforcing the rules. Took me five stinkin’ months, but oh well. It’s a nice feeling knowing kids believe me when I say I will dish out punishment if they don’t stop slacking off. It’s still scary to lay down the law, but the classroom is far less chaotic when the students know there’s a limit to what they can get away with.
Ghost writing is going well, too. I’m not getting the book done as fast as I’d like but right now I have my teacherly duties that must come first. The great this is he’s really liking what I’ve produced so far and we’re in sync with how we want the story to process. It’s really neat. I can’t wait for when we’re ready for test readers.
Anyway, I started this blog post one way. About five paragraphs in I scrapped the whole thing. I was originally going to talk one way about a certain part of my past but, after getting some amazingly supportive comments on Facebook, having a weird dream last night, and an epiphany this morning, I’ve had to say to myself: “Why the fuck do I still care?”
After a moment of staring in mute surprise at my computer, I felt this weight lift from my chest and my mouth curl into a smile.
I don’t. I honestly don’t. Go, me!
Okay, to clue in those who don’t know what’s going on, the high school I graduated from is closing its doors at the conclusion of this school year. This has motivated alumni band geeks to perform an alumni concert. I happen to be one of those former band geeks. The kicker is I had a crush on a fellow band geek that didn’t pan out and I didn’t handle the rejection well. He was a stupid teenager. I was a stupid teenager. End of story, really. There’s more I could say on this but I’d rather not bash him on the internet, so we’re just going to leave it at that.
He could potentially be at this alumni concert and when I realized that, this horrible wave of dizzying nausea came over me and my heart pounded not in a good way. Holy shit. I’m a whack job who doesn’t know how to let go of her past. Good lord. Get a grip!
With the help of friends and family, a grip I now have. Thank you.
I was all ready to extract his email from the alumni list and throw him a message, hoping he didn’t still think I was this awkward idiot with an incurable crush on him, blah blah blah. I just wanted closure, some sort of good note to end on so I could get on with my life. However, I resisted the impulse and sought advice from you guys.
The advice I got was not what I’d expected. I figured you’d all say, “Yeah, email him! It’ll help you move on!” Instead, it was an almost unanimous “Stop giving a fuck. He’s not worth it.”
This has helped me reach the aforementioned epiphany of realizing I don’t care. His input doesn’t matter.
I’d like to make it to the concert. I believe going would serve as a tribute to the friends that’ve stuck with me over the years. I can honor the good times and let go of the bad I’ve held onto for far too long. I just don’t know if I can make it. It’s the weekend of the last week of school, so we’ll see. Here’s hoping!